i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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