It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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