Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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