I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Sober January is a disaster.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
