i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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