i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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