oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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