I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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