call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
