Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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