He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
