dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
