Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
