I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
