I cockslap morals
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
