this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Are we still banned from the library?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
