Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
