two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
