I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
