Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
