Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
