just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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