Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
that's an acceptable place to lick
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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