So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
