Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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