And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
