I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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