trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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