I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
