it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
