I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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