I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize