Pappa wants mamma naked
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
