I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
