she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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