just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
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