Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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