We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
