At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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