What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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