I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize