we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
