Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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