i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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