It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
