i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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