I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize