he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
