Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize