In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
