You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
