i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
