Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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