I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
