All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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