i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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