i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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