Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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