I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize