Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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