the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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