first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
