why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
