Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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