I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
