I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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