well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
