yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
only you would photoshop your dick
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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