Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Randomize