I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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