So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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