The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
