dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
