i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
