I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
